Nothing is certain

They have still not come to take away the other single bed. A part of me likes it here.  

In the past month, Paul and I have hardly been more than an arm’s length away from each other. I am sleeping in his part of the bed and that comforts me somehow. I guess if I can’t rub up against his skin, the next best is to sleep in the place where his skin was, or something like that. I have not actually felt like doing a whole lot these past few days. I tell myself that I am missing Paul, but it is a lot of things all wound up together : being alone in an unfamiliar place and starting a new project about an emotionally demanding subject.

I circle, looking for an entry point; perhaps a spiral is a good metaphor. I think, “Tomorrow will be better.”  I want to set a schedule for writing. Almost a whole liftetime of being self-employed and I still have no sense of schedule. I imagine a routine will help me not feel so overwhelmed by time.

Empty time – nothing. That is what I came looking for, to explore and find words to describe -a texture, a shape, what does nothing feel like? I tell myself that I must not worry about making something out of all this, that I must for now, not be afraid of nothing. If I want to know nothing, well – DO nothing.

 Easier said than done. I think of the american artist, who works a lot with time and living spaces, can’t remember her name at the moment, (Andrea Zittel) living isolated for long periods of time on an island she made and designed off,  was it Denmark? who for years wore only felt dresses that she made and mostly, I am thinking about a work she did on a residency exploring her use of time. She did whatever she felt like at the moment, turning all routine upside down – even eating and sleeping patterns. I can’t remember what form the actual work took in the gallery.

I will create my own order in this chaos. Each philosophical theory that I read about seems to be an attempt to either create order out of chaos, or to describe the chaos of the universe, which is the same in some respects.

I want to put nothing into the middle of this chaos versus order picture. How do you explore nothingness without falling into it? Would that be as my intro to philosophy writer describes – spinning in the frictionless void?  Lost in words. There is definitely potential to lose myself in this project.